I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
