I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize