I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
