I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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