That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
