After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
