sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize