mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
