dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
