I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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