so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
