I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
