So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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