I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
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