so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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