Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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