If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
