This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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