You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
