Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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