4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Randomize
