i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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