so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
