ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
