your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
