This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
