We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
