my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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