My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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