Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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