I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
