Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
