Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
