Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
