Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
