Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
