nut hugger
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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