OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
