i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
