I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
actually, I'm a sock model
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
