God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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