FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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