You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
