Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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