I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
