YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
