I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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