i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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