Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
