Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
