Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
