I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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