Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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