Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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