so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
