My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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