My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
