we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
