she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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