I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
