So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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