Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
