I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
