Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
